How to be a DILF
There is nothing that makes me crosser than the acronym MILF. It’s crass, it’s lazy, and it’s demeaning. What, you thought mums couldn’t be hot? And you were so surprised that a mother could make you double-take that you created an acronym? That’s never going to get you laid.
The thing about feminism is, it’s just equality. If you get MILFs, we get DILFs. And now I’m looking up from the changing bag, and glancing around the park, I can see that there are some excellent specimens about. But if you want to get the MILFs to notice you, it takes more than the odd spin class and a sharp haircut. If you want to be a DILF (whilst being faithful to your partner who you love and cherish - this is just an ego thing, ok?!) then here are some tips.
1. Please don’t match your kids’ fashion. Logo t-shirt and crocs are not ok.
2. Ditto Lego for adults. Ffs.
3. Change nappies. Nothing says phwarrgh more than a man who is unphased by a poo-splosion. Casual to the point of nonchalance, it shows you are practical, capable and hands on. These are all things we find sexy now that we don’t have time to keep up with who is hot in a band. Saying you are hands off isn’t something to be proud of - it’s not 1973 anymore. Wielding a packet of WaterWipes around a shitty arse makes you hotter than you realise. (NB washing your hands afterwards is not optional.)
4. Smile in the playground. We aren’t going to jump your bones, we are just lonely and bored of playing hide and seek. A bit of adult company might be nice, and we’ve got enough raisins for everybody.
5. Play with your kids. Don’t be the aloof dad in the corner on a business deal with China. Get on the swings, take the stabilisers off their bikes, be the first in the pool. Sure, sometimes work comes first, but not for the whole of Toddler Time on a Saturday.
6. Revere your wife. She carried a baby, and got it out. If she has stretch marks or a paunch, you need to find that hot. Mums talk. We know if you are being a dick and dropping hints about cutting down on the cake. We know, and we judge.
7. The same applies if you nag us for a shag when we are 7 minutes out of the delivery room. We will tell our mates, and they will picture you like a randy dog, incapable of judging the moment and humping the neighbour’s leg when he comes around for tea. We miss sex too y’know, but when we get back in the sack, it needs to be on our terms.
8. Be good with the tech. If you can collapse a travel cot with one hand and know how to slide the car seat into Isofix and the Bugaboo into the boot, it helps us. I used to find a man putting his arm round the passenger seat, turning his head over his shoulder, and casually reversing his car into a tight spot very alluring (I’m old enough to remember cars before park assist.) Now it’s the ability to get the kids in the car seats and out of the driveway without calamity. Or being able to slide a sleeping new-born out of the BabyBjorn without waking. That, dear Dad, is miraculous. And very DILF-worthy.